HFD Memo of the Day

About all things in and around the Detroit area

Re: HFD Memo of the Day

Postby frank - up in grand blanc » Thu Sep 22, 2016 5:10 pm

More on this^

This is a follow-up note from the boss of our local office:
Team,

I would appreciate your support of this unique opportunity to show off some of your talents in preparation for our upcoming visit from our CEO! Let’s show them why our team is #1 and have some fun along with it! It looks like most of the opportunities do not require too much talent. Please sign up!


Like I said, they cannot order the troops to enjoy themselves, but they can suggest, and for those of us with offices & doors that close the message is clear: volunteer or find yourself on some variant of the eastern front.


And then this unhelpful suggestion came from a colleague:
fuigb – You should see if drinking a case of beer in under an hour would work.

OK, that one made me laugh
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Re: HFD Memo of the Day

Postby D-Day » Thu Sep 22, 2016 6:36 pm

frank - up in grand blanc wrote:Today was employee appreciation day. Who knew that there was such a thing?

They celebrated with donuts and "faux mimosas." I didn't even leave my desk for these so I don't know what constituted the faux. Anyway, after the designated time there must have been some left over, hence...

Thank you and Big Company appreciates you!

Please help yourself to the rest of the donuts on the table and the orange juice is in the refrigerator in the lunchroom!



What in the actual fuck is a faux mimosa? And don't say one with Welch's Sparkling Grape Juice. That's not a mimosa. That's orange juice and Welch's Sparkling Grape Juice
Where the hell am I going? And what the hell am I doing in this handbasket?
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Re: HFD Memo of the Day

Postby frank - up in grand blanc » Thu Oct 06, 2016 2:57 pm

frank - up in grand blanc wrote:Remember how in the Sunday comics Mr. Dithers would get good and pissed at Dagwood and then kick him right in the ass? Dagwood would howl and hold onto his rear end as he was launched off of the ground.

Well, the man can no longer do that to you. Far from the stern and grim old days the M.O. in the present era is to twist the workplace into a scene of levity and joy. Hanging out with coworker-pals after five or on the weekend is one thing, but the officially directed stuff is so transparently disingenuous that it, well, makes me want to kick an ass. A favorite of mine was the time that they had a company-wide contest to write and then perform songs about our business and core values. The usual toadies submitted entries and were recorded onto film and tape by professional crews. One entry was written (by me) and circulated only among a trusted few: it was a parody of the old Johnny Cash tune "I've been everywhere," but it was turned into "we've fucked up everywhere" and went on to chronicle a long, long list of huge errors in lieu of all of the places where Johnny Cash drove his truck.

And just when you thought things couldn't get worse this memo arrives:

We have a film crew coming with cameras and costumes next Wednesday, September 28th. If you are interested in participating in any of the roles, please email me the ROLE NUMBER that you would be willing to perform. Please note, if you are currently scheduled to be in a meeting during the filming time, your manager should be able to excuse you from the meeting to participate in the filming.

Some roles have a preferred male/female due to the nature of the role (e.g.: impersonating a member of all boy band Backstreet Boys, etc.) If you do not have a preferred role, please indicate that as well and I’ll place you in the area we need filled


And then there is a list of singing and dancing roles, some in costumes and some without. To wit they are asking for maybe 80 people to participate in some kind of a "fun" music video to be showcased around the company. There is a God, you know why? First, in my present role I'm expected to be a leader and take on one of the more egregious characters, like lead singer or comic foil or something worse. But the presence of divinity comes in here: on the designated date I will be in Melbourne, Australia, talking shit and then getting pie-eyed on local beer after the meeting. Take THAT, sensitive new-age revisionist Mr. Dithers.


Following up: today they premiered the video at an all-people meeting and it met all expectations in that it was the most cringe-inducing thing that I've watched or heard since last Christmas when I had to give my wife's mother her annual hug. Picture your coworkers in drag, prancing and lip-sincing and all of that. Yikes.

Honestly, the vid was well done, but I'd rather work all night than appear in one. After the fact I learned that management put out a powerful inducement to recruit younger staff to take the worst roles: expense lunch, take the rest of the day off, and then expense a night at the bar. Surprisingly the millennials came through and danced their asses off for what most of us would consider to be woefully inadequate compensation.
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Re: HFD Memo of the Day

Postby frank - up in grand blanc » Mon Oct 17, 2016 11:23 am

Customer glued chip back into credit card when it fell out; bank says there is no security risk


Chase admits this happens, but says it's rare. They said they only get about 10 calls about this every month and 60 million of its customers have these cards.


http://www.wptv.com/money/consumer/customer-glued-chip-back-into-credit-card-when-it-fell-out-bank-says-there-is-no-security-risk

So, maybe ten credit cards each month have their chip fall out from the 60MM cards in circulation... My ass. This morning I lost my second chip in maybe 12 months. Having spent a few minutes on the phone with the jugheads at Chase I can say that it is worse to lose your chip than it is for someone to take your card with the chip missing. So keep a careful eye on the embedded chip in your credit cards.
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Re: HFD Memo of the Day

Postby Ansel Rakestraw » Wed Nov 02, 2016 2:40 pm

"After more than 25 years in Charleston, SC, Wild Wing Cafe...is making its way north this month to establish its corporate headquarters in Charlotte NC...said Muhsin Muhammed, Managing Director at Axum Capital Partners."

MOOOOOSE!

Image

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Re: HFD Memo of the Day

Postby frank - up in grand blanc » Thu Nov 03, 2016 12:00 pm

They've fried the PC used for admin work ( and probably a lot of illicit porn by the post commander) at the Legion hall and a call for action has gone out. Seems that power surge struck low the Commodore 64 with which they balance the books for the bar and now things are grinding to halt. Knowing a lot of the older guys like I do they're probably right now discussing the possibility that the GOP or VFW staged an EMP attack, but what they should be asking themselves is just WTF prevented them from adding a powerstrip/surge protector to the office arsenal. Anyway the Sons contingent is being asked to vote as to whether or not we buy the old-timers a new PC. A new PC is a wise option because otherwise the annual budget will be pissed away as it is each year on things like a junket for leadership to attend the state convention (Lansing this year?) and refreshments for the sparsely-attended monthly meetings.
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Re: HFD Memo of the Day

Postby middle aged female » Thu Nov 03, 2016 12:20 pm

frank - up in grand blanc wrote:They've fried the PC used for admin work ( and probably a lot of illicit porn by the post commander) at the Legion hall and a call for action has gone out. Seems that power surge struck low the Commodore 64 with which they balance the books for the bar and now things are grinding to halt. Knowing a lot of the older guys like I do they're probably right now discussing the possibility that the GOP or VFW staged an EMP attack, but what they should be asking themselves is just WTF prevented them from adding a powerstrip/surge protector to the office arsenal. Anyway the Sons contingent is being asked to vote as to whether or not we buy the old-timers a new PC. A new PC is a wise option because otherwise the annual budget will be pissed away as it is each year on things like a junket for leadership to attend the state convention (Lansing this year?) and refreshments for the sparsely-attended monthly meetings.

And you can buy them a new PC for about $300 bucks and they can still buy the windmill cookies and beef jerky for the monthly meetings. Might even be able to get some fruit punch for the ladies.
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Re: HFD Memo of the Day

Postby The Suburban Avenger » Thu Feb 23, 2017 3:06 pm

Students, staff and faculty at Valpo woke up to this email today:

Dear Students, Faculty, and Staff:
I am filled with great sorrow to inform you that we lost a member of our community.
Student Samantha Salvador, of Indianapolis, died this morning as the result of a car accident.
A sophomore nursing major, Samantha touched the lives of many. She was president-elect of the Student Nurses Association, a member of Chi Omega, and an overnight visit host in the undergraduate admission office.


She and three other nursing students were headed to a clinical on I-65 early this foggy morning and veered off an off-ramp. The car went airborne and crashed onto another car.
Two of the students were airlifted away with life-threatening injuries.
My hand to God, she's gonna be at Carnegie Hall. But you - I'll let you have her now at the old price, OK? Which is, which is anything you wanna give me. Anything at all.
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Re: HFD Memo of the Day

Postby Craig » Thu Apr 27, 2017 2:50 pm

Deck chairs on the Titanic which is my employer were recently reshuffled and into the office across from mine they've moved in the head of sales and you cannot help but get a daily dose of snake oil bullshit. The latest is this: there's panic at the very top about whether or not the field force will "hit their numbers," which is to say sales have slowed, and so to get the guys motivated and excited and even more proactive there is now... a... you guessed it... sure-fire... everything in klieg lights... wait for it... SALES CONTEST!

Every time that I lapse into thinking that this is an organization of professionals and worthy of our spot on the Fortune-whatever list some panic crops up and the used-car-salesmen genesis of this place raises its head and its back to the days of spiffs, spin and win, and failing everything else a round of good ol' fashioned ass-chewings for the people who represent our products on the street and in the dealerships around the country. I'm in the clean-hands thinking caste so this is all academic for me. Not my fight and not my ass. Still, there it is. When you hear the term "sales contest" anywhere just bear in mind that it is meant as everything but a fun diversion for the troops.
Soon I discovered that this rock-thing was true...
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Re: HFD Memo of the Day

Postby Toolbox » Tue May 02, 2017 11:06 am

Craig wrote:Deck chairs on the Titanic which is my employer were recently reshuffled and into the office across from mine they've moved in the head of sales and you cannot help but get a daily dose of snake oil bullshit. The latest is this: there's panic at the very top about whether or not the field force will "hit their numbers," which is to say sales have slowed, and so to get the guys motivated and excited and even more proactive there is now... a... you guessed it... sure-fire... everything in klieg lights... wait for it... SALES CONTEST!


Our 2 Senior Managers have left my employer recently and we keep getting the belt tightening speeches. Deck chair shuffling to commence ASAP.
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Re: HFD Memo of the Day

Postby Craig » Tue Aug 22, 2017 11:28 am

We're in the back half of August which means all of the obligatory"fun" work events that didn't get hammered in earlier are happening. I get that the man wants us to feel appreciated, I do. The hipster/anarchist /antics crowd may feel too principled to eat the boss' barbecue or drink his beer, but I regard things like picnics and whatnot as found money. Pay me to eat wicked food and get hammered? Yep, I'm in. The rub about this time of year is that because everyone is always so damn busy that things getted pushed back until there's that "oh shit it's Christmas eve" panicked rush to fit these things in, thus two big outings this week.

Putting one is a paddle boat ride in the Detroit river. The website makes it look like a sort of ordeal but the younger women on the team are jazzed so this is what we're doing. The important part is that a dozen or so people sit on barstools on a pontoon boat and then pedal their asses off while drinking. I'm down with the beer (see paragraph one) and the catered lunch (again, para #1) but riding a bike to get to the good parts sounds like a lot of damn work.
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Re: HFD Memo of the Day

Postby Craig » Tue Aug 22, 2017 3:58 pm

So the boat trip was cancelled, presumably due to high seas. They're rescheduling to next week but the Burkina Grill (Amadeus gets it. Amadeus, do you still lurk?) Is seriously pissed because we cancelled orders for ten people: "seriously, not groovy" I believe they said. Ah well, i'd have handled it differently but it's not my party.

As a consolation prize t he leader sprung for lunch at Jolly Pumpkin. Fuck me, but WSU has changed. Even the black folk spoke white. Lowell would shit if he were to see what has happened to.his Corridor.
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